“When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.” John 6:6-7

Jesus asked questions. The woman at the well, the rich young ruler, the man at the pool of Bethsaida… Who touched me? Do you want to be healed? Who do you say I am? His questions stirred things up, left people bewildered, mad, curious, and most importantly, open. It wasn’t as if Jesus didn’t already know the answers to his questions. He wanted the people He addressed to get in touch with their own hearts and minds. His questions were an introduction: a gateway to deeper discussion.

We really could learn a thing or two from Jesus’ example. For example, take the question everyone is asking… “How are you?”

In the U.S., we use it as an ice breaker when we meet someone new.

We throw it out at the person in church because we were told to meet and greet.

The doctor asks it as a segway into “Why are you here?”

The employer asks it as an opening to an interview.

We ask it everywhere, sometimes more than once when we are nervous and forget how to speak, and too often the answer is a lie. Just a pat answer… fine, good, whatever moves the conversation to the next thing, because a lot of times we don’t take time to access how we really are. Even more sad, deep down, we aren’t sure the person who is asking really wants to know.

Years ago, when my husband was in the middle of his camping internship, I had a miscarriage. I had to go down to the dining hall on an errand one evening, and I ran into one of the other men in the program. He asked me how I was doing and I felt my heart catch in my throat. Before I knew it, I found myself rebelling against the expectation to say I was fine. I told him the truth. I told him how it was that I had empty arms because a baby had gone to be with the Lord before his time… but my answer fell on deaf ears because the man who had asked me how I was doing was already half-way across the room, heading out another door. The truth… it hurt, and the experience made me more reticent in the future.

I wonder how often we wound people by asking them questions without being prepared, like Jesus, for someone to give us the opportunity to know them more?

The new widow, the man with chronic pain, the parent who outlived their child, the family whose father has stage 4 cancer, the chronically ill worship leader, the cover girl who is fighting anxiety… you won’t know their pain unless you get to know them, but they’re real. They’ve all touched my life in the past month.

I sat in the waiting room of the hospital today, passing the moments in anticipation for my husband to wake up from outpatient surgery, and I was surprised when a woman from church came in. Her husband was also going in for surgery. I asked how she was doing and she shrugged and gave me the acceptable answer, but I know what it’s like to be the one in the waiting room. ”No,” I said. “How are you doing, for real?” And then the wall came down.

Too many people are in counseling these days because their community of people aren’t asking them how they are doing and sticking around to hear the answer. Pastoral Counseling is patterned off of Jesus’s model.

Ask questions.

Listen.

Empathize and Encourage.

Ask people about themselves. People actually like to talk about themselves. Asking opens the door. (It’s also the best way to make a new friend. Try it!)

What did Jesus do next? He was engaged… truly involved in hearing their heart.  

Listening is truly hearing the other person (not distracted by personal thoughts). It is hearing without judgement or trying to figure out what to say in response. It is key to knowing where the other person is coming from, being able to repeat what was said, and understanding how they may feel. Listen to their answers. What makes this person tick? Where are they hurting? How can I pray for them?

Sometimes, listening is the best and only thing we can do. People who are grieving need to express their hurt, loss, or helplessness. Acknowledging that it is real and expressing it is the first step to healing. 

Other times, there is more we can do. 

In the midst of listening, we follow Jesus’s next example. We learn the art of empathizing so that we can encourage… putting ourselves in their place. What would we need if we were in their place? Comfort? Building up? Strength? Provision?

Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes people need to think about how they are and how they feel and what they need. In some situations, you need a moment to figure out how the Lord is nudging you to respond. Sometimes it takes practice.

And when you figure it out?

This is where we find the opportunity to bring it all back around to Jesus. He is found where we comfort others with the comfort we have received (2 Corinthians 1:4). He is found where we encourage and build one another up (1 Thessalonians 5:11). He is found where we bear one another’s burdens (Galations 6:2). He is found where we are meeting one another’s needs (1 John 3:17). He is where two or more are gathered in His name (Matthew 18:20). He is found anywhere we call on His name. Where we are thankful to Him. Where we praise Him. 

He is here. And He is the one who changes hearts. Changes lives. Changes circumstances. Jesus changes everything. 

So the next time you are tempted to ask someone, “How are you?” Maybe add, “How are you, for real?” And be prepared for what God will do when you listen with compassion and respond with love. YOU will walk away encouraged, and you just might find your circle of friends has grown…

I know mine has.